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帰り道が分からなくなってしまった心細い経験をされながらも、頑張ってお散歩を続けているご様子がうかがえます。
朝顔の 深い紫 道標 → 朝顔の 花の色こそ 道標
・朝顔もいろんな花の色がありますから花の色を散歩道の道しるべになぞらえてみました。
もちろん、詠み人は紫いろの朝顔の花に強い印象を持たれたのかもしれませんので直す必要はないのかもしれません。
朝顔に 道を尋ねて 朝散歩 → あさがおの 色にひかれて 朝の道
・朝顔をあえて平仮名に、道すがらの朝顔の花の色を強調してみました。
・朝顔の朝と朝散歩の朝で韻を踏んでいる点に工夫が感じられます。
朝の散歩を日課にされているのでしょうか？季節の移り変わりに目をやると毎朝の散歩も楽しみになるのかもしれませんね。
ひぐらしの 声に誘われ 道失う → ひぐらしの 声を尋ねて 迷い道
・「道失う」ですと何か遠くまで迷い込んでしまった感じが強くなりすぎるかと思い、脇道に入り迷った様を出しました。
・ひぐらしの鳴く声にひかれるようにふらっと入った脇道、気が付けばいつもの道なのに迷ってしまった様が浮かぶような句にしてみました。
いつぞやの 遠い思い出 かき氷 → 若き日の 熱き想いと かき氷
・若かりし頃の思い出はかき氷の冷たさのように一瞬の時を思い出させてくれます。
だとすれば直しは必要ないかと思います。
・夏と来ればかき氷、そこから部活に励んでいたころに思いをはせて読んでみました。
夏の練習終わりに仲間と大汗をかきながら頬張ったかき氷の冷たさを思い出しました。
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